


It's A Long Hard Fight But I'll Always Live For Tomorrow

by Spread_your_wings02



Series: Save Me [10]
Category: Bohemian Rhapsody (Movie 2018), Queen (Band)
Genre: Bulimia, Crying, Eating Disorders, M/M, Recovery, Relapsing, Roger needs a hug, brian is a good boyfriend
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-05-01
Updated: 2019-05-01
Packaged: 2020-02-15 15:33:13
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,464
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/18672508
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Spread_your_wings02/pseuds/Spread_your_wings02
Summary: “You okay?” Brian had faced away from his book, hazel eyes darting over Roger.Roger furrowed his brows before taking another drag of his cigarette. He let the smoke linger in his mouth before blowing it out. “I’m fine. Why?”Brian eyes still looked worried, as if he was reading Roger’s thoughts. Brian looked over him again, and Roger unconsciously sucked in ever so slightly. He knew that if he wasn’t careful he would become fat again. He already felt as if he was too big, his pudgy tummy becoming something that would make him look away from mirrors. The way his legs jiggled ever so slightly when he walked making him want to tense his muscles when he walked so no one else could see how hideous he was becoming. He didn’t know what triggered his relapse, but it was if all the compliments Brian had ever gave him were filtering into his mind as lies. Lies lies lies. He knew what he looked like.





	It's A Long Hard Fight But I'll Always Live For Tomorrow

**Author's Note:**

> Requested by Lil Bitch
> 
>  
> 
> *TRIGGER WARNING*  
> Eating disorder and bulimia - If this triggers you, please DO NOT continue.

“Rog?”

They were sat on the bed, Roger lazily resting his head against the headboard as he smoked, and Brian sat next to him with a book in his lap.

Brian had wanted to talk for Roger for some time, but Roger had made himself scarce whenever a quiet time popped up where Brian could ask questions. Roger suspected Brian probably knew what was going on. So far, he hadn’t been caught, purposely binging when Brian was at work, before feeling entirely disgusted with himself, the guilt eating at him until he threw it all back up. All before Brian could know anything had happened. He had hid it well, a lot better than last time. But Brian always had something about him that would sniff out if something was up. Roger didn’t know how he would know. There was no evidence of anything. He would always clean the toilet. Always brush his teeth. The only thing that had happened was that a scar on his knuckle had opened up slightly, but Roger had still hidden it out of view. Obviously not as well as he’d thought.

“Hmm?” Roger replied, trying to sound oblivious even though he knew Brian was going to broach the subject.

“You okay?” Brian had faced away from his book, hazel eyes darting over Roger.

Roger furrowed his brows before taking another drag of his cigarette. He let the smoke linger in his mouth before blowing it out. “I’m fine. Why?”

Brian eyes still looked worried, as if he was reading Roger’s thoughts. Brian looked over him again, and Roger unconsciously sucked in ever so slightly. He knew that if he wasn’t careful he would become fat again. He already felt as if he was too big, his pudgy tummy becoming something that would make him look away from mirrors. The way his legs jiggled ever so slightly when he walked making him want to tense his muscles when he walked so no one else could see how hideous he was becoming. He didn’t know what triggered his relapse, but it was if all the compliments Brian had ever gave him were filtering into his mind as lies. Lies lies lies. He knew what he looked like. But if he told Brian what he was doing, he would make him stop. And he couldn’t do that. He wouldn’t stop. He needed to keep being the pretty, skinny blonde that he was when Brian first met him. He wouldn’t put on weight.

He took another drag of his cigarette.

“You just seem…off,” Brian replied, setting his book on the bedside table and turning fully to look at his boyfriend.

Roger puffed out the smoke with a small chuckle. “I’m fine Brimi.”

There was silence as Roger stubbed his cigarette into the ash tray bedside his bed, feeling Brian’s eyes bore into his back. He turned back to the older man, placing a light kiss on his cheek before pulling the duvet over his body.

Brian made no move to get under the blanket. Roger sighed. This wasn’t going to go down well.

“Are you though?” Brian whispered.

“I said I’m fine Brian. Will you leave it?” Roger snapped. He hadn’t meant for it to come out so harshly, but he was getting sick and tired of Brian pestering him. This was his problem. Not Brian’s.

They were plunged back into silence again, and Roger relaxed against the pillows, his words having shut the guitarist up. Brian still hadn’t moved, but Roger closed his eyes anyway. He had wanted to go to bed all day. The fatigue was starting to get to him, but if he went for a nap in the middle of the day, Brian would know something was up. His muscled ached from moving around all day, so the bed felt like bliss underneath him, soothing him into a state where he could fall asleep. Well, he would’ve done if Brian hadn’t started up their previous conversation.

“I haven’t seen you eat.”

The words hung in the air and Roger scoffed, opening his eyes to look at the ceiling above him.

“I eat,” he replied, a hint of anger tainting his voice.

“Roger…”

“No Brian. I do eat. Like I have been since my therapy. Why would you ask me that? You know I do,” Roger interrupted, his voice raising slightly, a little too loud for the quietness of their bedroom.

“No I don’t,” Brian replied, and the raw emotion that the sentence held in itself caused Roger to rip his eyes away from the ceiling and look at Brian, whose eyes had gotten puffy and red in the time Roger had closed his eyes.

“I don’t know if you’re eating Roger. You won’t eat with me, always saying you’ve already eaten. And when we went to John and Freddie’s the other night for dinner, you were in the bathroom for a long time, and it was too long for you to just have a piss,” Brian continued, his voice catching slightly at the end of the sentence.

Damn, Roger had forgotten about that time. If he hadn’t have gone, it would’ve raised more suspicion. So, he followed Brian in, eating all the food they gave him, even asking for second helpings until he was half way through finishing.

_You’re disgusting. This is definitely going to make you fatter._

Roger had gulped and placed his fork on his plate. The sickening feeling of food in his stomach making him feel even worse. He needed to get rid of it before he digested it. Before the calories needed to be counted. Before he was fat. He had excused himself to the toilet with a laugh about the wine going straight through him.

When he had came back out, the feeling of revulsion slowly starting to leave him, he hadn’t failed to notice how Brian’s eyes followed him, eyebrows knitted together in concern. Roger had shrugged it off.

That had been nearly two weeks ago. How could Brian even remember that? Roger had nearly forgotten about it if Brian hadn’t brought it up.

Roger shrugged. “I took a shit.”

“I don’t think you did,” Brian pressed.

It went quiet again, but it was even more uncomfortable than last time. Roger shifted under Brian’s stare. When he made no sign that he was going to reply, Brian sighed. The light went out and Roger felt Brian move under the covers so they were lay side by side.

“It’s okay Rog. I know what’s happening,” Brian said, turning his head on the pillow so he could see his boyfriend.

Roger could feel tears well up in his eyes and blinked them away, eyes back on the ceiling. No. He couldn’t let Brian know he was right. He would stop him. He couldn’t be fat.

“No.” He didn’t know what else to say. He had no other ways to justify his lies. But he wouldn’t admit it.

“No,” he repeated, more for himself than for Brian, curling in on himself and the covers. He felt Brian’s hand in his hair, fingers running steadily through the stands, and Roger found himself thinking that Brian wouldn’t be like this if he was fat.

_No Roger, Brian loves you._

He was so confused. He didn’t know what to think. Half of him was telling him this was all for a reason, he needed to stay skinny. And the other half felt ashamed for giving in to his thoughts. That half of him was the one that let him know he had let Brian down, that he didn’t stick to his recovery. That he was doing so well, and it had all gone down the drain as soon as he got himself stuck in this never-ending cycle. Roger curled into himself tighter. Tears dropped onto his knees.

He thought he had this under control.

His crying was not unnoticed. Brian placed a gentle kiss to the top of his head. “It’s okay,” he repeated, over and over, his voice soft; not carrying any anger like Roger thought it would.

Roger only cried harder.

“Are you mad?” Roger whispered, muffled slightly by the blanket.

“No. I’m not mad, my love,” Brian soothed. And that was all it took for Roger to uncurl himself and instead wrap around his boyfriend, crying into the guitarists chest. A hand stroked up and down his back.

“I’m here Roger. Just like last time,” Brian hushed, placing a kiss on the blonde’s forehead. “You can get through this.”  
Roger didn’t reply. He let Brian hold him, trying to tell himself that it would be okay; that Brian would help him. He could get through this.

He buried his head into Brian’s chest, grounding himself; distracting him from his thoughts.

He could do this.

 

**Author's Note:**

> I'm writing a series for hurt Roger prompts. They don't necessarily have to be hurt, they can be angst, comfort etc.  
> I'm taking requests but I also have my own ideas. Also, if you want a specific ship, let me know!  
> I've made it a series, as some prompts, and some ideas of my own, may need to be a few chapters long.
> 
> I hope you liked this chapter:)


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